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WORKDAY Support

Keys to making your work day fly...
Compilation of Suggestions:

OFFICE AMUSEMENTS:
Place a chair facing a printer, sit there all day, and tell people you're waiting for your document.
Put a picture of your mother on your business card.
While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive®.
Convert your calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and copy them to your boss.
Arrive at a meeting late and say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat 5 raw potatoes.
Insist that your e-mail address be zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them to sign a waiver.
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it with, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
Name all your pens and insist that meetings can't begin until they're all present.
Come to work in your pajamas.
Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.
Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi."
Include a piece of your children's artwork as a cover page for all reports that you write. If you don't have children, draw stick figures yourself.
Schedule meetings for 4:14 pm.
Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
Agree to organize the company holiday party. Hold it at McDonald's Playland. Charge everyone $15 each.
Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathroom."
No matter what anyone asks you, reply "Okay."
Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."
Plant a hedge around your cubicle.
Build models of the Seven Wonders of the World using empty soda cans.
Put your headphones on whenever the boss comes into the office. Talk in a loud voice. Remove your headphones when he or she leaves.
In conversations, no matter where you are in the office, mutter, "I think my phone is ringing," and leave. Go get a coffee.
Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many."
Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
Compose all your e-mail in rhyming couplets.
Install a set of buttons and lights in the arm of your chair.
Organize a carpool. Pick up everyone in a taxi.
E-mail nude gifs of yourself to your coworkers. Tell them you got them off the Internet.
Hang mistletoe over your desk.
Include a personal note on every e-mail you send, such as "On a personal note, I'm feeling a bit tired and grumpy today" or "On a personal note, I'm pleased to announce that I got my highest score ever on Tetris last night."
Bring in dishes that you tried to cook but didn't turn out quite right as special treats for your co-workers.
Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
Decorate your cubicle with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children.
For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth.
Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza, free doughnuts, etc. in the lunchroom. When people complain that there was none, lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."
Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
When you go to a party at a co-worker's house, don't automatically assume that the drinks are free. Ask, and ask often.
Leave the copy machine set to 99 copies, reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper.
Specify that your drive-thru order is "to go".
Reply to everything someone says with "That's what YOU think."
Practice making fax and modem noises.
Put a plaque on your desk which says: "I prefer to remain an enigma."
Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy."
Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
Staple papers in the middle of the page.
Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook and mutter something about "psychological profiles."

PERFORMANCE EXCUSES
I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.
They told me at the blood bank this might happen.
This is the 15 minute power nap they taught at the time management course you sent me to.
Whew! Guess I left the top off the white-out!
I was just meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.
This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!
I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.
You have a problem with people who practice Yoga?
Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.
The coffee machine is broke. 
OR Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot.
Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off.
Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!
Just  trying to pick up my contact lens without hands.

ADVICE & MOTTOS, SUITABLE FOR SCREENSAVERS, DESK & WALL PLAQUES:
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many.
Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. This is what I'm doing wrong.
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong - until the next person quits or is fired.
There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.
The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. Example: The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T...
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
People are always available for work in the past tense.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
No one gets sick on Wednesdays.  
The longer the title, the less important the job.
Machines that break down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.

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